In October 2007, we went searching for answers. The answers we did receive are related to the above paragraph and the journey that followed shed a lot of tears and further heartache.
In November 2007, the overwhelming burden of the police investigation, allegations of Hannah's death not being an accident, negative support from both family, friends and so called 'online forums' met with the desperation of me ending my pain and torment. I blame myself everyday still today as I write this IT WAS MY SUPERVISION AND MY FAILURE TO DO THAT that cost Hannah her life. No one in this world could ever blame me, attack me or ridicule me as much as do myself. On the 27th November 2007 I attempted my life with a mixed cocktail of Antidepressants and whatever I could find and the bottle of booze in the cupboard. No one knew, no one in the house realised what had happened or what I was doing during that whole day. They too were consumed by their own grief. This is how I was trying to cope. The attempt to numb it and to end my own life has gutted me on occasions that I had again "failed".
That night I had written the ending note of my life, it was hard to read back after much time in a Mental Hospital. My husband Andrew found me in the bathroom and my daughter Jordan remembers me on the bed telling them to all leave me alone and saying " i just wanted to die'. Hearing her say this hurts me and the pain she still feels is nothing I can ever take back. I honestly thought at the time that my family would have been better off without me. I cant fix their hurt, I cant put a band aid on their pain and help them through it. I can now only be here for them to listen and understand their pain.
Being in ICU was a very horrible experience, I had watched my daughter in the NICU as a baby and my other children when they were born but I had never been in ICU myself until that horrible night. The doctors had advised Andrew that Breathing support was beneficial as there was a strong chance I could choke or drown in my own vomit and they wanted to avoided that. so for two days and many hours later my family, my husband and friends were hoping that I would wake up.
I have no idea or comprehension of what My husband Andrew saw in me that night or the pain he suffered in making that decision. He knew of my stance on DNR and life support as he is my POA but he did what he did because he loved me. I am very grateful that he chose this as the advocacy journey would not be our life changing choice if he hadn't. Life is all about choices and we have to accept them.
The Doctor at the hospital put me on a Mental Health Order - I was imprisoned so to speak to hospital treatment for my suicide attempt, the depression and grief. Ive come to realise that no matter how many pills, injections the doctors give you the pain doesn't subside. for me it was a mask. That mask was not me, it was not my personality and I changed to someone that I hated.
December 2007, we hit the first hurdle of the Firsts list. the first birthday, the first mothers day were coming, so for December 10 I was in hospital and I was begging to go home and spend the day at the cemetery to visit our little princess. The fight in the hospital was awful and I would never suggest this path of choice to anyone. My Psychiatrist wouldn't let me go, he hadn't seen a positive change in me since I was admitted to the private facility and he wanted me to make a choice. A choice that would change my life, that of my whole family.
With my medical care team had forced me into making the choice of doing something RIGHT. Something positive for myself and for Hannah. Having studied Psychology and Education and working in the very field that I tried to kill myself with all my challenges hit me like tornado. It was awful being on the end of all the strategies that I had previously given to others. This was nothing more than my own karma coming to bite me really hard and where it hurt, In my heart. I don't like getting my own medicine, Who does? but this medicine or therapy as it is called was the calling, kick up the butt I needed.
My mind was racing at one thousand miles an hour and I had so many ideas during that time I seriously was going 'around the twist'. Not to mention that I had started hearing voices which sent me crazy. I found myself arguing and fighting my feelings of anger and love. You know that monkey on the back saying I had that problem. I hate the world for taking my daughter and hurting me and my whole family. The lack of support and trying to find people who were living this nightmare proved a downright failure and those that I did find were too "far forward into their own grief and tragedy" and had somehow, to me moved on, it was like they had forgotten those initial shock traumas or they didn't want to confront them. My anger and frustration at not being able to find a support group made me more determined to find one. I was severely disappointed that our country, Australia, surrounded by water, had over 300 drownings every year had NOTHING, ZIP, ZERO, nothing. How could this be? Why was is so?
The stigma to drowning is negative it apparently selects people and doesn't happen to those well for those who live this journey of grief and being the parent of a child who drowned, as opposed to a parent of a drowned child. I don't like the latter term for the reasons that it implies that WE DID IT. We didn't drown our children, although we are aware that parents who do, do this are criminals, we are not criminals. So in any interview you will never hear me say "I am the parent of a drowned child". This also travels back to the day after Hannah died, the newspaper here where we live had the Newspaper LAIDLEY TODDLER DROWNED. This implied to the public who did not know us that our daughter was killed and by those at home. It just implied the wrong message. What the title should have read could have been (pause of thought), well the topic just shouldn't have been printed! the newspaper caused more distress to our family during that first week and I have never forgiven the journalist for the insensitive reporting and the editor fro being so contemptuous towards my other children. Sadly the journalist has never change her position of the way she writes her stories on this very topic and well lets just say "she crossed the wrong mother who never really has the greatest of days".
In December 2007 I was still in hospital and I cant recall how it happened but we met a lovely journalist for the Courier Mail who had heard of our plight and wanted to tell Hannah's Story and aided us in getting Hannah's Foundation off the ground. To Robyn Ironside of the Courier Mail Queensland we are forever indebted to you for your compassion, empathy and your own passion for our very cause. The reception that we received from people was both negative and positive but mainly we achieved contact from OTHER FAMILIES who lived this incredible, indescribable loss and pain.
SO the stigma to drowning and that of being a parent of a child who drowned was just ONE choice that I made to make a difference. In two years, many of the Foundations families have spoken publicly of their grief in order to help others understand the pain that we feel that is attached to this very 'stigma'. Many families have experienced the same 'incidents', the lack of supervision and the breakdown of same, the non compliant fence and the tragedies are the same. The parents lost a child. We are so very blessed to have met these other parents and their families, come to love them and assist them with whatever service they need.
the Concept of Hannah's Foundation was my leave pass out of hospital. It is, what I now call as my 'life saver', or 'life changer'. January 2008 saw the birth of the topics we wanted to cover, what we wanted to changed. Setting up a charity wasn't easy and I have lost count at the continual amount of times that I cried, lost the plot on the phone to people in government who just thought we were two crazy people on a crusade.
For the next 4 months I would argue, fight and push my way into government offices and the telephone bill was over $900 at home, we couldn't jump over it. The foundation needed its own telephone line so I did that and we know have that separation. the home phone doesn't work thanks to the provider we get incoming but we cant call out and when we do I lose the Internet and the foundation NEEDS the Internet to keep in touch with the world and our families.
In March 2008 we launched the foundation and raised $700 dollars from the events, the following year the same event raise over $9k. Next year, well let us just wait and see. This also saw the month of a personal decision and relationship decision that would create further heartache. That choice was IVF. I was still on my mental medication and the weight gain had increased by about 22kg. Within two weeks I had come off my meds, lost nearly 10kg which concerned doctors then we hit the IVF journey as well. We were crazy!
As I write this blog entry we have not succeeded in IVF over eight cycles, some say its meant to be but I believe that maybe the timing wasnt right for us or we have a baby in front of us and didnt realise it, its not a physical baby but as Hannah always wanted to do in her life was to save 'babies as a doctor'. So Hannah your foundation is the doctor and yes you are saving babies. The foundation is our baby we just have to nurture it and fight for it unlike a normal child.
This is just the first five months on our road to being adovcates in a world we never knew. Five months into our eternal grief and five months on the road to healing our hurt by creating something so positive and a journey that has never been truly travelled.
Kat
Hannah's Mum
