The crazy, irrational parent at swim lessons after tragedy.

Thursday, October 10, 2013
The crazy, irrational parent at swim lessons…… What happens after tragedy?
This is a very personal article. A common question with many parents I talk to is when to start lessons for our other children after the loss of our child or when to put the child who experienced a non fatal drowning back into the pool? There is no right time or wrong time because it’s personal.

For me, the one who experienced the fatal tragedy the sound of water, the smells, the cpr (the failure of it), the visions of finding Hannah in our pool, the contemplation or small thought of having to put Harry(16 months at the time) into lessons scared the absolute crap out of me. I couldn’t let him out of my sight. I couldn't TRUST anyone with him, least of all myself. My husband Andrew bathed Harry for about ten months after Hannah drowned because the sounds of water splashing, him being in water and the fear of him drowning was, to most, irrational but for me this was real. It was so real panic attacks were daily for months and still happen today. Drowning happened on my watch. The skills taught to Hannah didn’t save her, my CPR for 17 minutes was fruitless and the whole picture in a nutshell just sucks and went horribly wrong. This whole question tore me to pieces for three years. In my heart I knew I had to have him taught, but there was no way I’d be in the pool with him like we were with Hannah. For me the whole process and regime had to be the same as my other kids. Hannah was the only child out of my five to be taught with us in the pool from her early ages. I never did that with my other children.

When Hannah died I hated, loathed and negated the industry of swimming lessons. I had valid reasons too. I believed as a parent that her skills would save her, i never left her alone in water, she was always supervised in water and our pool was fenced. (That’s a whole new article). Hannah climbed a chair, most girls climb objects as opposed to boys, boys are more likely to ram through gates/panels like tip trucks to enter water, girls tend to problem solve the access. I can name more girls using objects than boys over the last six years and one boy the rest just scaled through fences that were broken etc.

So what does a parent like us do when faced with the scenario of having our other child/ren put into lessons? For me, I fear it because I didnt trust it, it had failed me. I needed to have ‘something’ restored in my trust. It was hard to find.

I went searching and it is no secret that we sought out the regime of Infant swim. WHY? Because we believed in it, saw it, watched it painfully (through the emotional heartache of reliving Hannah’s death, smells of chlorine and the sounds)for four days and felt it was the right decision for us. Others dont like it, the industry hates (says its apparently too traumatic for children)(I disagree, Harry isn’t traumatised by it in fact its quite the opposite for us) it but for us as one of those parents it was the only option for us.

For two years and a half years Harry was without that loving pool splashing water familiarisation at home. After all we had no water anywhere for him to play in. The pool was gone, the pig pens were blocked off, not one person could get to a source of water. Every time he touched water, my heart raced, my panic attacks would stop me in my tracks, I struggled to breath, my heart pounded my chest (one time the Doctors thought Id had a heart attack) a few times I needed medical attention and yet we were expected to do this because it was necessary. It tore me every day, I cried uncontrollably at the concept. There was limited support from the industry to get me to trust it again. I felt disheartened, confused and tormented. Swimming in our family use to be fun and it brought us together, our children thrived in the sport but now it was daily torture.
The traumas which are ongoing from that fateful day are cold water, vomit, smell of chlorine, screams, Hannah's face, her lifeless body facedown in the water, the sounds of Harry screaming in his highchair, the abandonment felt at the hospital and afterwards the blame all come flooding back.
The nightmares after six years have every so slighty subsided but the panic attacks are still there, in summer they are at their worst. Every parent I have ever met experiences this in some way or form. This is what is different about the two groups of parents. If your child dies you get rid of your pool, if your child survives you keep the pool. Nearly all of the parents I know bar 7 I know have removed the pool from the house and stayed in the very house where there little one was taken. We are one of these parents. I hate my house.

To contemplate putting Harry into swimming let alone let him touch water came about after speaking to Justin Lemberg at Goodna pool after a tragedy. We had supported his staff and provided a Professional Counsellor to attend and basically she helped us all. It was now time to learn to TRUST and the industry had to earn it.

Harry was invited to spend a few lessons with a few different teachers at Goodna but my heart sank when he was in the water and it didn’t feel right. Not because what they were doing was wrong it wasn’t, the anxious feeling that something could happen was just too hard for me as a mother. Harry panicked in the water too because he felt my fear, the teachers knew my fear. I have the utmost of respect for those teachers who take us parents on, it’s a bloody hard job you face in view of our tragedy. In the end the few lessons he had my husband had to take him. My husband was the only one I trusted with Harry and our older adult children went along for moral support. Everyone had to supervise him I said.

We rang many other teachers explaining the anxieties and the lack of trust. I personally had to find that trust in someone to teach Harry to float, roll over, be able to get out of the pool and leap forward into his swimming ability. We found that trust in Richard in Sydney and the costs were enormous for us but ever so worth it.
Richard and his wife Rochelle were ever so patient with me as a panicked parent on the side of the pool, he answered my questions and they sat with me whilst Harry did his two week intensive training. Harry had a blast and loved it, wanted more time in the pool, didn’t want to leave. For ME, it was the best thing I could have done but it was painful. However seeing Harry fun had reminded me of Hannah in the water and the fun times we had.

Other parents struggle to find such instructors with the understanding and patience that dealing with an anxious/irrational parent of child who drowned experiences. Richard challenged me in the water twice in 2008 only 4 months after Hannah drowned, then sadly I was attacked for speaking out on what I believed in and it’s been now five years and I haven’t ventured back into the pool. Now it’s truly tough. How does one get back in the water, trust it, believe in it and support it?

No one is wrong in this opinion, it’s about TRUST and what is best for YOUR children. After a tragedy that TRUST changes. Believe me its ripped me many times and Ive had many arguments with swim teachers over the past six years on their beliefs but really..... THEY ARENT living my life or my burden of tragedy or my fears. I doubt any teacher in the water is constantly thinking “this kid must not drown on my watch”? They have NO clue at all how life has been since Hannah died unless they too have a lost a child who could swim and they were a parent who knew CPR. No one has the right to even begin to question our rationale of survival after such an event. Not anyone, only ourselves.

I have sat with fantastic swim teachers along Harry and my goodness all these teachers are amazingly patient and truly remarkable. Ive cried, panicked, even walked out due to the uncontrollable anxieties but they have all continuously held my hand and 'mothered' me back with Harry. To Richard, Rachelle, Keryn, Di L, Justin L, Di W you all are just truly amazing teachers and you know I can’t thank you all enough. I can say without a doubt it’s not how you are trained but how an instructor relates to a client and that is the biggest challenge. This is now a case of WE need the industry not the industry needs us. Parents could easily walk away and not have other children engaging in water familiarisation. We could choose the opposite but many of us don’t.

For months my psych team were encouraging me to desensitise to water and the fear. Its bloody hard work and I am never truly passed that 'fear' but over time (its been six years) I have learned to trust others with Harry in water. His teacher Di in Laidley is wonderful and having a non-chlorinated pool certainly helped me watch him, the Goodna Pool and Justin were awesome and now his school swimming and Keryn in her chlorinated unheated pool. Harry has every possible scenario thrown at him and he’s alive. It’s an awesome mix of environments that works for us. Everyone knows MY fear and they know Harrys needs. It’s also great now because at seven Harry will tell you if he isn’t comfortable or if he feels that a particular exercise in the water isn’t safe for HIM. After all this child knows drowning all too well. Other families are no different, their kids know just as much or witnessed their siblings tragedy. He is very water alert. He begs for a swim at the Uni Pool with his dad when it’s really hot, he has even asked us to buy another house with a different pool because he loves it. I’m still hesitant.

So, when a parent seeks support in the industry after a tragedy, here's my opinion and some advice.

Your first question to ANY parent should be “What are your experiences with water?”, simply put and it gives your ‘future’ client a chance to provide their story, if they have one. I’ve never been asked it but I can tell you Ive met more swim teachers who are daunted and hesitant by the reply “our daughter drowned”. They just simply don’t know what to do or say.
You should LISTEN our concerns, and trust me there are many concerns and they are real,
understand that anxiety and fears are no doubt a part of our daily life,
never tell them to get over it because they will never get over it,
be compassionate and show some empathy.
Dont ever tell a parent that they chose the wrong swim school for their deceased/injured child, seriously?
Don’t ever question the right of a parent to question your objectives as an instructor in the water. Yes, you have qualifications but that doesn't make TRUST instant in a traumatised parent. TRUST TAKES TIME. If a parent wants you to teach a particular skill, TEACH IT, after all they are paying you too. But most of all ask us how WE feel and how today is.
Provide the parent and their child a comfort zone and slowly take them out and not too fast, revisiting traumas is quite easy and you will simply lose client and then they will need more counselling. Not great for business. Not great for a charity who supports these parents.

I can recommend teachers and swim schools based on what I know, what Ive seen, who we talk too, what other members have said with their experiences after tragedies have torn our lives apart. There are a minute few that I would not even speak to let alone recommend because of their tirade of opinions sent to us when Hannah drowned and their constant criticisms of our opinions as parents and also advocates. I admit, I’ve lost professional respect for about six personnel in the industry and I do not wish to even spend time with any of them least of all hear their opinions that I no longer attend conferences because i find them offensive. The attitude of some in the industry really need to shape up. Parents need your help, their kids need your help and if you wish to keep business and get recommendations for new clients I need your help to help these parents and their kids.

So who hands up who wants an irrational, fearful, untrusting, crying, hysterical parent, who freaks out when their child is in water in your pool all because the very task in front of them has taken their other child? This is the question by many.

Probably no one is the answer. This is a serious issue for many families right now and it is ever so frustrating. The task to desensitise to water is a huge step for those children who are also traumatised by their survival. Ever asked a parent what experiences a child has had upon enrolment? Ever asked yourself why little Mary hates water? Why little Jack cant jump in feet first? Ask your clients what their history or association with water has been and if there are any factors that you, as an instructor needs to know. The first answer I give an instructor is we have suffered a drowning, Harry heard it all. This must be confronting for a teacher surely? Along with our grief, the burdens faced every day, the very skills we want to trust doesn’t offer us much comfort. Any instructor needs to address the compounding issues of Psychological trauma and fear that right now only our doctors can assist with. Yet another tragedy that an industry can't support us because they fear parents like us.

Remember: SUPERVISE IS NUMBER ONE! Face up first, feet first in inland water ways and always wear a life jacket, ensure your pool fences comply and are always maintained because we know the rest has failed. There are no guarantees in life, we know, we live it every day without our children.

6 years and nothing has really changed

Six years on the 4th October since we lost our beloved little Purple Princess Hannah. Some things have changed but really the few things we wanted to change havent. This disappoints us because so many have died and we have tried diligently to change the statistics that sit before me on my desk.

Legislation in Qld, NSW, SA and soon Victoria have changed somewhat. Qld is the best by far along with WA which changed Pool Legislation years ago. Laws are needed for safety and some laws were in place but just never enforced.

There are days on the grief and yet public advocacy journey where I sit back in my chair and think "what the hell am I doing this for? no one listens". The Truth is people don't or simply choose not to. Drowning won't ever happen to them you see they are the lucky ones. It's a false sense of security believing that something won't happen when in reality shit does happen and to good honest people.

With National Day coming up drowning prevention still struggles to get the attention it deserves. Nationally on tv and radio there are sporadic mentions of safety but not a lot. Hannahs Foundation isnt in a financial position to advertise on expensive television time slots so its social media to the rescue. Hitting twitter, facebook and others promoting in forums the message is only being minutely heard.

A massive thanks goes out to Craig Lowndes from Red Bull Racing who retweeted my post on National Day and our media release. Thanks so much Craig you are a champ. This also made the day of Kelly Taylor, who this week reaches her third year without young son Jaise. Jaise loved the V8s and Holden so the retweet gave a greiving mum a 'pick me up'.

Kelly has been a staunch public advocate in NSW for Pool safety and deserves every bit of recognition for her passion, after all we love our children, thats why do this. There are very few parents really putting themselves out there like Kelly. Whilst we have done it for six years its not easy behind the scenes we are emotional, crying, frustrated grieving wrecks of parents who have lost a child.

Drowning prevention is the "cancer of water". It kills but without a cure only prevention. It's as simple as that. No warning. No time for goodbyes. However to prevent this horrible destructive death that takes so many and tortures so many families there are simple preventatives:

1. SUPERVISE everyone in and around water
2. BARRIERS - Pool fencing, ensuring your barriers are maintained, dont prop open the gate and leave it open on purpose, its meant to self close
2a BARRIERS on the water: Life jackets and EPIRB, two most critical pieces of boating and water equipment ever needed. Wear the Jacket and Make sure your EPIRB is within reach incase of capsize or emergency. GPS is even better for emergency crews to find you.

These two measures above are the ones to prevent you from drowning. the next two I am not an avid campaigner of but others are. Statistics tell us that swimmers drown and CPR is only effective in 1.9% of drowning cases so the message is clear. TRY Not to drown because the odds of making it are pretty, well slim. These are facts.

3. YES Water familiarisation, know how to swim but realise that your ability and strength can be overpowered by water, make positive choices around water sadly swimmers do drown but in older kids and adult it can help to float
4. CPR

Six years on and nothing has changed, the stats go up, the messages arent being heard and yes this makes us bitter. We want it to change. The Federal Government needs to help prevent such needless deaths on our shores and backyards. Better support services would make a huge difference to those left in the aftermath.

All I can hope for this National Day is that someone listens and someone is possibly saved through hearing the social media messages.

Please listen and share our messages so that no one needs to locate the support services through Hannahs Foundation and live the life that over 970 of our members do. We are truly grateful for the supporters and donors who continue to help us but sadly more is needed. If only is a question I ask myself often. If only.

Drowning kills over 300 every year, injures over triple more and water accidents through spinal injuries and boating accidents are also of great concern. Australia should care about Drowning after all our nation is surrounded by water and our tourism people promote it but it isnt without the dangers that looms if you are unaware! So raise awareness and save a life, that is what needs to change.