It’s that time of year again, shitty December. Apart from May and October I really do loathe December. The party month we use to call it, Hannah’s birthday on the tenth and that led into the massive swells of parties for her friends and of course who could forget Christmas. Hannah was the party Queen, anyone who ever met her will tell you that. Her very first party was on the 26th December 2007, only three weeks old and she was awake the WHOLE time and never took her eyes of Uncle Damien. Oh the memories of that day. Hannah’s attitude to parties was eat lot of smarties, drink lots of bubble and crash on either dad or mum’s side of the bed in exhaustion. Who could argue. Hannah certainly lived in her life and we are very blessed for it.
December feels like the road to hell. That downhill screamer. Kind of like a hangover that won’t go away but you haven't touched a drop of alcohol. The constant pain in my head, the loneliness in my aching heart. Every shop I enter I just want to yell and scream. During the year “I’m fine” but come Mother’s Day, Hannah’s Anniversary and her birthday I am a disastrous mess even though I am silent. December, I find is the month that reminds me of my constant One less. If only.
Someone asked me last week “What do you want for Christmas Kat?” I could sense their excitement with such a young family but I found myself screaming inside saying “What the F*ck do you think I want for Christmas?” I answered and faked a smile "Id love family for Christmas" their answer in reply was about gifts, presents and a holiday they are planning and not once was my response acknowledged, in fact they ignored it with gusto.
So many of our ‘old’ friends too have forgotten that we are ‘less one’ at Christmas, less one with one bum missing on a seat at the Christmas dinner function, one less pool in the yard to enjoy (it’s gone) and one more trip to the cemetery to say “we miss you more than ever”. Many old friends have gone from our lives too, they didn’t understand our consumed intense grief and nor did they try to understand it or the battles that we faced internally to fight for change. I didnt have the strength to help their grief, I struggle much with my own. I feel abandoned by these those who quit. I never quit on them during their hard times in their lives but come our daughter’s life, they quit within a year. This is the life I have now, it’s the best I have. If Only i could quit grief, wouldn't that be a thought?
This year though the cemetery visit won’t happen. The destruction of the grave site last week has gutted me yet again and I struggle with decision we face to fix and restore versus remove and replace. Can't a child rest in peace? I am depleted in all my being at having to again for the fourth time, rebuild a memorial. How many times must a family endure this? It’s cruel but true and I can be assured that the culprit will wake up with her family on Christmas and not give one thought to our pain that she has caused by destroying such a precious place in our hearts.
So what does one want for Christmas with One less?
A Christmas of love and family, that my grief would miraculously be cured (after all isn’t Christmas about some miracle?), that others would remember that Hannah still exists in our hearts and put her name on any shitty card that's been sent. I confess anyone who hasn’t put her name on a card gets put in the bin I don’t keep them, those that do are safely in her memory box for Harry when he is older, a time when the phone wouldn’t ring to say “there’s been another one”, or maybe someone could just pinch me and say ‘sorry Kat it’s all been a bad joke, here’s your daughter back’, or maybe the messages of Hannah’s legacy and others before and after her could be heard so that it doesn’t happen again? Wouldn’t that be nice, Zero drownings for Christmas or ever! WOW that’s my goal, but I am naive.
Christmas is a time for celebrating but many families who are feeling that ‘one less bum on a seat’ all struggle in some way, some don’t even celebrate it anymore. I know for two Christmas' we didn't as a family, just ignored the day and tried to move through it. I felt swamped during that time. Wouldn't it be lovely to be gifted a miracle this Christmas? I dream of a miracle to join our family everyday but it won’t happen. The miracle of a child has been denied to us and my heart aches at this time of year. Its normal yes but this normal I don’t like and nor should I have too. Harry our son said “Id love a baby brother or sister so I will just ask for a computer game”. How heartbroken is our boy? He is shattered, he longs for family and adores babies, he is such a kind hearted soul and so gentle, just like his dad.
So this Christmas when you are all opening presents, smiling, laughing, drinking and partying hard, spare a moment for those families, and yes selfishly ours, that they and us are not like you, we struggle to fake the smiles and laughter around those that have forgotten of our loss or the impact of severity it has taken on our family. Think of all those families missing a loved one at this time of year and spare a thought for those that will also lose one.
What I want for Christmas? No deaths, no heartache, no loss and no grief. If only. I live in hope.
Is it January yet?
